Sunday, April 3, 2011

Top 10 Ugliest Cars currently available

About a month ago I published a blog about the ugliest cars in the world, from a historical perspective. Added a poll too, as I wanted to give you a chance to voice your opinion and 65% of you agreed with me that the Pontiac Aztek was indeed the ugliest car in the world. Since then, I have looked at other lists and polls and found that the Aztek was almost always No. 1 or No. 2 at the very least… And once again, I have placed a poll for you to vote too. So get the votes going and let’s see if you agree with my choices.

So we turn our attention to the current crop of cars for sale around the world. There is a lot of really ugly, poorly styled and executed 4-wheeled crap that is just begging you to spend your hand earned money. And in this time of globalization, we cannot just buttonhole ugly cars into the European and American camps, it is indeed a global phenomenon. And another thing, you will notice something fairly common about this list; all of them are SUVs, Crossovers (whatever that is) or mini-vans. This is not to say that there not are ugly sedans, coupes, convertibles and saloons, it is just that this current crop of people haulers are hideous.

So without further ado I bring you my list of the ugliest cars that you can purchase today. PLEASE buy them, so we can point and laugh. As one drives by, we can snicker, asking ourselves “what were they thinking?” Buy one! It gives us interesting things to talk about while driving and avoiding slow moving trucks lumbering in the left lane (or the right lane for you Commonwealth readers).

Honorable Mention: Gumpart Apollo (sorry “D”), Mini-Cooper Countryman, Lexus RX450, Lincoln MKT, Chrysler Towne and Country  / VW Routan.

10. Ford Flex, the choice of Mrs. Turner, a rolling refrigerator and not even one of the new sexy stainless steel French door ones. No this bad boy hits all the lows, classic two tone paint scheme with white roof, big fake chrome strip across the back and just the faintest hint of faux woody trim-lines along the side. Please Ford, you have so many other cool cars, fire the people that designed and OK’ed this one.

9. FIAT Doblo, is that Italian for dumpy? It just looks dumpy sitting there. You just know that the only purchases were for fleets, because nobody in their right mind would be caught dead in one they actually owned.

8. Honda Crosstour / Acura ZDX, that front end, that back end, it is just all wrong no matter what angle you view it from. Word is Honda is going to change it and they had better get to it quickly, this unsightly duo is among the worst selling cars in N. America. At least people are voting with their wallets and staying away from these in droves.

7. Peugeot Bipper, oh good lord….I should probably put this car as No. 1. That snout, I think that bulldogs everywhere are really pissed off; this car is trying to steal their mojo. But fear not, it could not possibly get worse…but it does.

6. Fiat Multipla, now I admit that FIAT had recently restyled this miserable excuse for a car. But I just had to show the older version, so you can bask in all his hideousness. What really sets it apart from all the other ugliness in the auto world are the two sets of headlights (one set integrated into the base of the windshield) and the tiny wheels tucked into that massive bulbous body.  Tu sei molto brutta  (you are very ugly). Oh yeah, you know you want one.

5. Pontiac Aztek, hey how did this get in here? Once ugly, always ugly…the benchmark for hideousness. As Jezza (Jeremy Clarkson for those of you who do not watch Top Gear on BBC2) would say “my eyes are burning!”

4. Infiniti QX56, this massive SUV has always been ugly. But it seems that every two years (in time for the restyle) the designers would get together at a SEMA show and ask themselves, “Guys…how can we possibly make this thing worse?” And do you know what, they have outdone themselves, I mean it has become a caricature of itself. That bulbous nose, those side grills, curves seemingly placed at random intervals everywhere, the only thing missing are some massive 26’s (but maybe those are an option!).

3. Nissan Cube, it looks like a bug and you just want to squash it. Square and curvy at the same time, the Cube should have stayed a concept car, one that disappeared into the company archives. That funky wrap-around back window, it is wrong from so many different angles. The front, the back, the sides, I sure hope the interior is decent, because the rest of it does not work. As bad as this in two dimensions, check out one of the road, you want to drive off in the other direction…quickly!

2. Ssang Yong Rodius, the Chinese may know how to design cars, but this is not one of them.  Where do start? With the rear…it gives the Aztek a run for its money.  The longer you look at it, the uglier it gets; an amazing feat really….

1. Nisan Juke, it is supposed to be clever, hip and cutting edge. Instead it is just plain butt ugly, but amazingly not from just one angle, but every angle. It is like the designers left no panel unspoiled. An amalgamation on organic shapes it looks bad standing still or moving…hopefully away from you. I mean look at the front, there is so much going on it take a referee just to sort everything out. Nice job Nissan, you are on a roll, three of my bottom 10. Cheers to your design team, their way forward is a sure fire way to get their cars noticed, but probably not in the way they intended…

Well there you have them; no really…you can take them all…please. What I think this means is that for the most part, hot hatches, coupes, sedans, saloons, convertibles and sports cars have come a long way design wise, none of them really offended me. But it is almost like the auto designers are torturing the poor buyers that have to move people or things.  Between bulbous, organic shapes and just plain old “trying too hard”, the current crop of utility vehicles is really at the bottom.  A shame really - because there are so many cool cars available for your money; pick wisely, or we will be laughing…and pointing…
Until next time.

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